It's 11:00 at night, and I'm finally sitting down to do my computer work.
And I'm tired.
Really tired.
This past month has been extremely difficult for me.
The move.
The reality of needing to go back to work.
Not being able to afford some of the supplements that were helping me feel better.
The boys going back to work and not being home during the day.
Watching the girls work so hard and seeing the toll it takes on their bodies.
It's just been... a lot.
And somewhere in the middle of all of it, I'm trying to figure out how to transition from being a stay-at-home mom and full-time caregiver to being a working mom.
I know I'll eventually find a rhythm.
I'll get more organized.
We'll figure out schedules and responsibilities and who does what.
But right now?
We're in the growing pains.
Today was one of those days.
I tutored.
I had a meet-and-greet with a new homeschool family.
I picked up things I needed for Thursday's wedding.
I went to the grocery store.
I went to the post office.
And in between all of those trips, I cleaned the downstairs bathroom and kitchen, got dinner ready for the kids to put in the oven, did laundry, made three shirts, worked on our budget, paid bills, updated my homeschool-helper schedule, and created several documents I'll need for the families I'm working with.
And now it's 11:00 p.m., and I'm still working.
I don't say all of that because I want a pat on the back.
I say it because I'm trying to figure out:
How am I going to do all of this?
Because I know I can't.
And that's where the guilt starts.
I Want to Be Home
One of my kids recently said:
"You're going to be gone again tonight?"
I cried when I said yes.
Another told me last week that I'm supposed to always be here. When they come home, I'm supposed to be here.
And honestly?
I agree.
I don't care how old my kids are.
I like being home when they walk through the door.
I want to hear about their day.
I want to know who's hungry, who's tired, who had a bad day, and who has some random story they've been waiting to tell me.
Being home with my children isn't something I've spent all these years wishing I could escape from.
It's where I want to be.
But right now, our family also needs me to work.
And I'm struggling with holding both of those truths at the same time.
And Then There's the Other Kind of Mom Guilt
Today I came home from tutoring and the kitchen was a mess.
And I lost it.
I was frustrated.
Why can't anyone else see what needs to be done?
Why do I have to ask?
Why does it feel like I'm responsible for noticing every single thing?
And I said what I've been feeling:
I can't do it all.
Because I can't.
If I'm going to tutor a full workweek while also caregiving, baking, doing wedding flowers, helping with Happy Faces, blogging, making shirts, managing a household, and everything else I'm trying to do...
I need help.
The problem is, when they help me, I feel guilty about that too.
One of my daughters had worked incredibly hard this weekend and wasn't feeling well.
After I got upset about the house, she came downstairs and started sweeping.
And my son?
He worked nine hours today.
Then he came home and fixed the water pump on my car and got it running again.
And after dinner, he did the dishes so I wouldn't have to come home at 8:00 tonight and do them myself.
Exactly what I said I needed.
Help.
And instead of simply being grateful for it, part of me felt terrible.
Because they're tired too.
They're working hard too.
They're carrying things too.
Welcome to my brain.
I can't do everything myself.
"Please help me."
They help.
"No, no, no. You're doing too much. Let me do it." 😂
Please tell me I'm not the only mom who does this.
We're Learning a New Way
The truth is, our entire family is adjusting.
For years, I was home.
I carried a huge portion of what kept our household running because that was my job.
Now I'm still Mom.
I'm still a caregiver.
I'm still managing our home.
But I'm also working.
And something has to change.
I can't add a full work schedule to my old life and expect everything else to stay exactly the same.
That's not realistic.
So we're going to have to find a new rhythm.
The kids will probably have to do some things I used to do.
I'm going to have to learn to ask for help without feeling guilty when I receive it.
Some things may not get done.
Dinner might look different some nights.
The house might occasionally be messier than I'd like.
And I'm probably going to have to lower some of the expectations I've placed on myself.
I know we'll figure it out.
But knowing that doesn't make the transition easy on this momma heart.
And Then I Saw a Little Grace
In the middle of all of this, something happened today that reminded me that God is still working in the details.
I was looking at my potential tutoring schedule and thinking about two things.
First, I really hoped I could find a family who needed more than one time slot. Maximizing the hours I'm already out of the house would make this new schedule so much easier.
Second, I kept wondering how I could fill my available tutoring hours without filling them so completely that I couldn't get the girls to their doctors.
I need the income so we can afford their care.
But I also need time available to actually take them to that care.
And then I had tonight's meet-and-greet.
The family booked three three-hour sessions every week.
Nine hours with one family.
That alone was a huge answer to prayer.
But then came the little detail that got me.
They can only meet every other Thursday because they already have a co-op commitment on the alternating weeks.
Which means...
Every other Thursday stays open.
Doctor appointments.
Therapy.
Whatever the girls need.
I had been sitting there wondering how I was going to make those two needs coexist.
And suddenly, there was space for both.
Maybe someone else would call that a scheduling coincidence.
I saw grace.
Grateful... And Still Sad
I am incredibly thankful for these opportunities.
I'm thankful families are trusting me with their children.
I'm thankful this new business has taken off faster than I ever expected.
I'm praying the floral work continues to grow.
I'm praying baking orders pick up.
I'm praying the website grows.
Right now, I need all of these little pieces to work because there's a much bigger reason behind them.
I want to get my girls back into treatment.
It has been five weeks since Chloe has been able to go to therapy.
That breaks my heart.
As her mom, knowing there's care she needs and not being able to provide it right now is incredibly hard.
So yes...
I want the tutoring hours.
I want the flower orders.
I want the baking orders.
I want the shirt sales.
I want the opportunities.
And I want to be home with my kids.
Both are true.
I'm learning that gratitude doesn't mean I can't grieve what is changing.
I can be thankful for work and sad that I have to leave.
I can desperately need help and feel guilty watching my children help me.
I can be excited about a growing business and overwhelmed by what it requires.
I can trust that God is providing and still wonder how in the world I'm going to manage everything.
Maybe that's where grace meets me in this season.
Not after I have the perfectly organized schedule.
Not after we've figured out the chores.
Not after the finances improve.
Not after I've mastered being a working mom.
Right here.
At 11:00 at night.
Tired.
Grateful.
A little sad.
Still figuring it out.
And seeing just enough of God's hand to remind me that He's already in this new season, even if I'm still trying to find my place in it.
We'll find our rhythm.
We'll figure out our new roles.
I'll learn to accept help.
And hopefully, eventually, I'll learn to do it without the mom guilt.
Until then...
One thought at a time.
One task at a time.
One day at a time.
Grace carried me yesterday.
Grace is carrying me today.
Grace will carry me tomorrow.
Thanks for walking this journey with me.
— Jennifer