One month.
It's been one month since we moved out of our trailers and into a house.
One month of unpacking, organizing, settling in, and relearning how to live together under one roof.
And if I'm being completely honest...
This past month has been really hard.
I know there are people who may not understand that.
We lived in trailers for nine months. I prayed for a house. I desperately wanted a house.
So shouldn't I just be thankful now that we have one?
I am thankful.
But I'm also struggling.
And I'm learning that those two things can exist at the same time.
Moving back into a house brought more than bedrooms, a full-size kitchen, and space to spread out. It also brought more responsibility, more expenses, more work, more stress—and, if I'm being honest, some feelings I wasn't prepared for.
The financial stress certainly hasn't helped.
Shortly after we moved, my husband lost his job. He thankfully found another one, but with about a 40% pay cut.
The boys went back to work, and after months of having them around all the time, I miss them.
And I don't feel like I've had a chance to breathe since we got here.
First there was the move.
Then the unpacking.
Then organizing an entire household.
Then getting my businesses back up and running because we desperately need the additional income.
And, of course, we moved back right as the girls entered their busiest season with Happy Faces. They're doing two to five gigs some weeks through Thanksgiving, which is wonderful and something we're incredibly thankful for—but as their manager, there's a lot of behind-the-scenes work that comes with every event.
Then there are the things that weigh even heavier.
We haven't been able to get the girls to all the doctors they need to see.
We're buying only the most necessary supplements.
And as their mom and caregiver, that's probably the part that hurts the most.
So I'm just going to say something I don't particularly like admitting:
I'm struggling.
Some days it feels hard just to breathe under the weight of everything I'm carrying.
But life doesn't stop because Mom is overwhelmed.
There are bills that need to be figured out.
Dinner that needs to be made.
Cars that need to be shared.
Schedules that need to be coordinated.
Groceries that need to be bought.
A house that needs to be cleaned.
Businesses that need attention.
Jobs I need to apply and interview for.
And daughters who still need their mom and caregiver.
There isn't really a button I can push that says, "Mom needs a few days off from being responsible for everything."
So I keep going.
And some days, if I'm being completely honest, it feels like I'm drowning while I'm doing it.
But here's the strange thing...
There is still good.
There was the unexpected check in the mail that helped cover supplements.
Blake getting a job.
A few babysitting jobs for the girls.
Chicken being on sale when I needed to stock the freezer.
The city lights I can see from our house every night.
New contacts and business opportunities that have come since moving back.
Orders coming through my new website.
People buying shirts and stickers that started as nothing more than ideas scribbled down while I was living in a trailer.
And people subscribing to this little blog because, for some reason, they want to keep hearing what I have to say.
There is good.
God is good.
I can see His hand.
And I'm still struggling.
I'm realizing those things don't cancel each other out.
Faith doesn't mean I have to pretend everything is wonderful when it isn't.
Gratitude doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be overwhelmed.
And trusting God doesn't mean there won't be days when the weight I'm carrying feels incredibly heavy.
I believe in God's grace.
I believe He will see our family through this season because I've watched Him carry us through so many others.
But sometimes I also need to sit with my emotions.
To admit that this is hard.
To cry.
To pray.
To say, "Lord, I know You're here, but today I'm having a really hard time."
And maybe someone reading this needs permission to do that too.
You don't have to have everything figured out today.
You can be grateful and overwhelmed.
You can have faith and still have questions.
You can recognize your blessings and still admit that you're hurting.
Sometimes the most honest prayer we can offer is simply:
"God, this is too heavy for me today. I need You to carry it."
That's where I am right now.
Not on the other side.
Not writing this after everything worked out.
Right here in the middle of it.
Still believing.
Still struggling.
Still looking for the little glimpses of grace.
And still trusting that tomorrow's grace will meet me when I get there.
Grace carried me yesterday.
Grace is carrying me today.
Grace will carry me tomorrow.
Thanks for walking this journey with me.
— Jennifer
0 comments